Reframe the Game

On Spring Break this week, I learned something about the power of reframing your game and the power of positive reinforcement.

I went golfing with my 11 year old son. Our previous attempts to play golf together could best be described as frustrating, both for him and me. John Henry is a very competitive young man and wants to win, which is good, so he is sharply focused on the score. It gets frustrating for him because he is a complete beginner right now and keeping score merely reminds him of how many times he hits a bad shot. Talk about negative reinforcement and punishment. At the same time, I can very easily see everything he is doing wrong and was unhelpfully pointing it out to him every time, increasing his anger. Before long we are growling at each other.

Wanting to avoid this scenario, I was desperate for a way to reframe the morning. It dawned on me, probably by divine intervention, that we should keep score differently. I told him, "I’m only going to keep track of your good shots and forget about your bad ones. Fortunately for him, his very first shot was right down the middle about 100 yards. “Good shot, John!” He was excited and he proceeded to hit two more good shots (out of 8 total) on the first hole. As we finished the hole I told him he got a score of 3 good shots. On the next hole he walked out to the tee and said “I’m going to get two more good shots on this hole,” and he did. By the time we got to the ninth hole, he was determining what a good shot was, not me. And we started to discuss what a good shot would look like before each shot. He finished the nine holes with a score of 16 good shots. He was calm, and felt good about his performance and even more important, I was calm also and was able to post a 40, counting all strokes of course.

I relate this story because it illustrates both the power of positive reinforcement and the importance, especially when learning something new, of focusing on what you do well instead of mistakes. Reframing the game for John turned a previously frustrating experience into a victory.

I’m looking forward to more enjoyable rounds with John Henry, and applying the lessons learned to all the new things I learn and the things I help others learn.