On Spring Break this week, I learned something about the power of reframing your game and the power of positive reinforcement.
I went golfing with my 11 year old son. Our previous attempts to play golf together could best be described as frustrating, both for him and me. John Henry is a very competitive young man and wants to win, which is good, so he is sharply focused on the score. It gets frustrating for him because he is a complete beginner right now and keeping score merely reminds him of how many times he hits a bad shot. Talk about negative reinforcement and punishment. At the same time, I can very easily see everything he is doing wrong and was unhelpfully pointing it out to him every time, increasing his anger. Before long we are growling at each other.
Wanting to avoid this scenario, I was desperate for a way to reframe the morning. It dawned on me, probably by divine intervention, that we should keep score differently. I told him, "I’m only going to keep track of your good shots and forget about your bad ones. Fortunately for him, his very first shot was right down the middle about 100 yards. “Good shot, John!” He was excited and he proceeded to hit two more good shots (out of 8 total) on the first hole. As we finished the hole I told him he got a score of 3 good shots. On the next hole he walked out to the tee and said “I’m going to get two more good shots on this hole,” and he did. By the time we got to the ninth hole, he was determining what a good shot was, not me. And we started to discuss what a good shot would look like before each shot. He finished the nine holes with a score of 16 good shots. He was calm, and felt good about his performance and even more important, I was calm also and was able to post a 40, counting all strokes of course.
I relate this story because it illustrates both the power of positive reinforcement and the importance, especially when learning something new, of focusing on what you do well instead of mistakes. Reframing the game for John turned a previously frustrating experience into a victory.
I’m looking forward to more enjoyable rounds with John Henry, and applying the lessons learned to all the new things I learn and the things I help others learn.
The best way to build company culture is to do it in five-minute segments once a day. Perhaps you've heard of the "Ritz-Carlton Gold Standards." Each and every day at the Ritz, the entire staff meets in a five minute daily huddle to discuss a Gold Standard, one of twenty Gold Standards which are short statements about the core values of the Ritz-Carlton which everyone is expected to live up to. Every twenty days they repeat the process, ad infinitum. The rotating repetitive reminders really reinforce the core values of the company and establish the Ritz-Carlton culture.
Sounds great, right? But does it work in the real world of small and mid-size companies? Absolutely. Two of my Inner Circle clients recently started their own version after I passed along the Ritz-Carlton program at a meeting. Five minute huddles every day, a different principle each day. When all the principles are covered, start over.
Here's the proof that it works. An teenager ironed his pants for the first time.
The teenage son of the receptionist of one the members trying this, works in one of the restaurants he owns. She came home from work one day and found the iron and ironing board left out. Seems that the son, who she admits is something of a slob, used it to iron his uniform pants for work that day. She was incredulous and asked him what induced him to do something he had never done before. His response, “Mom, our daily huddle today was ‘Uniforms, Crisp and Clean’” "Uniforms, Crisp and Clean" is one of the statements he uses to convey the company core value of being presentable and professional for customers.
Both members spent lots of time developing the statements, and faced resistance at the initiation of their programs. Let’s face it; a daily five-minute meeting seems pretty silly. But after the initial round, everyone is happy. Morale is up, service is better, new employees get up to speed faster, and teamwork is enhanced. Lots of other training programs have been eliminated. And business is up! The reinforcing reminders really work!
There’s got to be something to this, if it can get a teenager to press his pants without being told.
Seems like everywhere I turn in my reading and conversations recently I stumble across someone who, essentially, says, “Here’s a question I ask others all the time that always gets a powerful response and always leaves me feeling I know that person on a deeper level.” While I don’t think it’s effective to incorporate planned or rehearsed statements in a conversation, I do think that it can be very effective to have a small number of meaty questions in your arsenal and to consciously slip those into conversations on a regular basis to take discussions beyond the surface level. Here are some of my favorites:
Question One: How did you do that? This from the book Change the Way You See Everything, where authors Kathryn Cramer and Hank Wasiak advise that the most important question you can ask anyone after they have accomplished a task is, “How did you do that?” The question affirms the importance of the accomplishment but more importantly, it allows a person to reflect on what personal assets were tapped in order to succeed. Whenever you recognize or praise someone in this way, it lasts. The more common question that people ask is "Why did you do that?" That question sets the stage for a defensive explanation.
Question Two: How did you acquire that skill (or characteristic)? This is similar to the previous question, but has a different objective. One of the fastest and most effective ways to develop a skill is to shamelessly imitate someone who has already embodied the kind of change you want to make. Think of a skill or characteristic that you most want to develop in yourself. Now think of somebody that you know who demonstrates mastery in that area and can serve as a role model for you. Ask them questions about how they acquired the skill you’re seeking. Tell them you admire them and intend to imitate them. They will feel highly complimented. You may even want to enlist their informal coaching and feedback support. Then practice what you observe and learn and continue to return to them for feedback and advice.
Question Three: What else? If you’ve ever watched a skilled facilitator work a flipchart in front of a group, you’ll notice a little trick of the trade…as they capture an idea on the flipchart on one line they immediately put a bullet point on the following line. This gives a visual indicator to the group that there’s always time and room for one more answer. This is essential when brainstorming because the best answers often come late in the game, long after the obvious solutions have surfaced. You can do this verbally by asking, "what else?" When a conversation seems to have lost steam or reached a natural conclusion, it forces everybody to go one step deeper. And it provides one more open invitation to air an idea that might be percolating.
Question Four: What gives you satisfaction? This is an interview question that Mark DiMassimo, CEO of DiMassimo Brand Advertising asks of every single job applicant he speaks with. He says it is the most effective question he’s found for understanding a potential team member. He hands them a piece of paper and a pencil and asks them to make a list of ten things they’ve done in their lives that they remember with satisfaction. Here are the rules of the game: - The list shouldn’t include politically correct “interview answers.” He encourages them to be candid and authentic. “That ‘I broke up with my boyfriend’ could be an excellent answer,” he shares as an example.
- Five of the answers must come from before their 18th birthday, because those early successes reveal a lot.
He studies the lists, both with the prospective team member and after the interview, looking for themes, like courage, creativity, independence, adventure, rebellion, belonging and discovery. Once he has a sense of a candidate, he finds it much easier to match the satisfaction to the job and to anticipate from the beginning how things will go right and how things will go wrong with that person.
Question Five: What’s the most important thing we should be talking about today? In her book, Fierce Conversations, author Susan Scott offers advice about engaging others in meaningful conversations that move us closer to our stated business and life goals. One of her suggestions for initiating conversations that go deep and go there quickly is to set aside uninterrupted, one-one-one time and allow the other person to drive the agenda for the meeting. If you always drive the agenda, you may be missing something important. Here’s how she suggests you could set the stage:
"When we meet tomorrow, I want to explore with you whatever you feel most deserves our attention, so I will begin our conversation by asking, “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” I will rely on you to tell me. If the thought of bringing up an issue makes you anxious, that’s a signal you need to bring it up. I am not going to preempt your agenda with my own."
No other style of communication is as effective in encouraging others to open up and engage with you as asking a question. A question is an invitation, by its nature, and requires a response. That's what makes asking a well-phrased, appropriately-timed question your most valuable tool for taking conversations and relationships below the surface.
As the nation prepares to lay former President Gerald Ford to rest, his friends, family and peers pause to answer the question, “What is the legacy Gerald Ford leaves behind?”
Several have honored him for a unique leadership trait -- seems Ford was renown for surrounding himself with people smarter than himself and for being willing, on a regular basis, to lay himself bare in front of them and ask them for their brutal honesty.
This man, who at one point in history held the ultimate position of power, was ready at any time to be told that he was wrong, that there was a detail he was overlooking or a nuance he had not considered. He had learned one of the entrepreneur's toughest lessons: you might be responsible for FINDING all of the answers, but you'll never HAVE all of the answers.
He kept those willing to tell him the truth close to him. Better to hear "tough news" from somebody on your team and face the facts while there might still be a chance make it right. As he described it, “I am a man who likes having critics who are not enemies.”
He understood the danger that leaders face when direct reports sanitize information, filter feedback and and under-report screw-ups in an effort to coddle the boss's ego. Ford created an environment in which a wart was called a wart without coyness or delay, making it easier to get quickly to the task of applying a remedy instead of wasting time and energy camouflaging it with makeup and hoping it would go away.
His cabinet members focused their energy on doing their jobs, not protecting his ego. And EVERYBODY was more effective because of it. As Jim Collins says, “The moment a leader allows himself to become the primary reality people worry about, rather than reality being the primary reality, you have a recipe for mediocrity, or worse.”
It’s an admirable trait, an admirable legacy, and an admirable man.
Will leaving room for critics, allowing the truth to surface quickly, be part of your legacy?
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