Flirting With Your Options

“Well, the good new is that I’ve hit bottom.” It was an ironic and honest way to start a conversation.

Facing some glum numbers in her business and, unjustifiably, feeling like it was all her doing, my dear friend was believing that the heavens were sending her a message: “You’re not fit to run this company. Step away from the corner office, the gold nameplate and the CEO title and nobody else gets hurt.”

Good gravy. Who hasn’t heard that tiny voice whispering in their ear before? And who hasn’t been tempted to surrender?

The truly good news was that several voices in the group meeting joined together in such a cacophony as to completely drown out that most un-heavenly message. She is fit to run the company. Did she have the desire to run it? That’s an entirely different question.

What was most interesting in the conversation was that it was clear this CEO felt she had just two choices: stay in the role or replace herself, and soon. That felt familiar too. The desire for closure and answers can pull on us so strongly that sometimes we’re draw to solutions simply because they’re fast and concrete. The group encouraged her to explore Plan B and from there even a Plan C, Plan D and more.

I was recently exposed to a lovely and useful metaphor that gave me a fresh way to frame this issue. It was time for that woman to FLIRT!

Adam Phillips, a British psychoanalyst, uses flirtation as a metaphor for playing with ideas and options, but not getting married, so to speak, to them. Flirtation encourages flexibility; it embraces playfulness. It calls for a mindset of exploring an issue as if it were brand new to you — letting your curiosity flow in that special way that it does on a really good first date.

As Phillips says, "Flirtation keeps things in play, and by doing so lets us get to know them in different ways."

For the CEO, it might mean giving up portions of her job, trying new leadership tactics, hiring a personal coach, or making adjustments to her management team. It could mean a LOT of things that fall far short of her actually stepping down from her role.

Flirtation is about experimenting with reversible options — smaller exploratory choices — not committing too quickly to what might be life-changing, over-earnest decisions. And it frees you up to take a bit of delight and pleasure in the uncertainty.

Is there a decision in your life or business that is would benefit from a flirtatious approach?

Finding Courage at the Decision Table

How is your life and business being impacted by the decisions you’re NOT making?

Imagine a table in front of you. On it are all of the decisions you know you should make. Some are large, some are small. Some could have a profound impact on your business or your life, others are relatively insignificant. Some are freshly surfaced, and some have been waiting on your final call for a very long time.

How do you know which ones to act on? You act on every one you’re READY to act on.

Here are two key truths about decision making:
· When you put off important decisions, you are also putting off the business and personal success that you want but do not yet have.

· Anytime you decide something, you give up something. Decisions become paralyzing because of our unwillingness to experience the loss that is part of the process. Sometimes all you are really giving up is the option to change your mind, but that’s not always a small thing.

Courage Index

Decisions require courage because you cannot predict with certainty the outcome of your decision. From my personal experience, one of the toughest choices I’ve ever had make was to fire a business partner and then buy him out. I couldn’t anticipate his reaction. I didn’t even know if it would make things better. But I also knew I didn’t want to continue in the same situation. I had to make a move.
It took courage and commitment. All decisions do. One way you can test your level of commitment to taking action is by examining how you talk about the issue. If you catch yourself using the words “hoping”, “wishing” or “wanting”, what you’re really saying is “but I am not ready yet.”

Here’s a courage index that roughly translates your word choice to your level of desire:

I’m hoping: Beginning to desire to change
I’m wishing: Moderate desire to change
I want to: High desire to change
I’m committed to: Committing to make it happen, having a concrete plan
I will go to any length: Using every bit of leverage or opportunity to succeed

Here’s the bottom line. If you can’t muster up the “I’m committed” level of courage, don’t waste your energy stewing over the issue. You’ll only aggravate yourself. Mentally take it off the decision table until it becomes important enough for you to get bold. Focus your energy on what you are ready for. But remember that a decision postponed is often an opportunity postponed.

The above decision table and courage index was developed by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.